Letters To a Dear Friend by Antane and Frodo Baggins

This started out a challenge from Queen Galadriel to write a letter to Frodo and not sign it. It snowballed from there, when her friend and mine, Frodo, wrote back. I really do feel like I’m writing to Frodo and he’s responding or at least a version of Frodo. This one seems to be much more aware of his Creator than I think he really was. I’m writing as I would to a dearly beloved, severely depressed friend who I am trying to help. I wish I could have really helped him like this, but alas, I was born in the wrong Age. (The wonderful dancing I am referring to in the first letter is from Larner’s The Acceptable Sacrifice in which you can just see how beautiful a dancer he was but after the Quest it exhausts him so he decides to stop doing it all together even though it does give him joy to it. That story just breaks your heart because it is a very detailed tale of Frodo’s post-Quest pain and you feel like you are living it alongside him, step by step, day by day which I refer to in my first letter.) There is some Elvish sprinkled throughout too. Melannan is beloved, hannon le is thank you, namarie is farewell, mell nin is my dear, im mil le is I love you, mellon nin is my friend. I think that’s all I have. It’s all Sindarin, but namarie which is Quenya.

Letter 1:

My beloved Iorhael, this is breaking my heart to watch your slow decline. I know what's going to happen and I know I'm powerless to stop it, but I must say something! I can't just stand here and let it happen all over again without doing something, helpless and hopeless as it may be. I will walk alongside you as you journey through this pain. You won't even know I'm there, but I won't leave you. I can't. You have suffered so much already and it isn't fair that you should continue to do so, but I will continue to celebrate each time you smile or laugh or sing.

You are beautiful, darling, and it has been such a joy to see you dance so wonderfully. Don't give up! Everyone gets tired if they dance a lot. It doesn't mean they never dance again. You fought for every step you took to Mordor. Now you must fight to get back. Don't surrender, dearest, to the pain that haunts you. The Ring stole so much from you, but you can fight to get it back. I know you are tired of being sick, but don't let that steal what joy you can still have. Don't let it have the final victory. Please, darling.

You may feel so alone, but you are not. You have so many who love you. So very many you don't even know about but who surround you with their love and share in your heartbreak. They are all with you, crying for you, wanting to hold you, take your hand, tell you it's okay to cry, that you must cry, that you should even scream if you want to. You can't and shouldn't keep it all inside, thinking not to hurt those that love you. They are already hurting because they love you so much. Let them help you. Let us all help you.

If you cannot cry anywhere else, go to your room, lay silently and wait to hear the Voice that you said yes to at the Council. I know you barely know Who that is, but He loves you with a love beyond imagining and He will help you in ways you cannot even conceive. Bring the pieces of your broken heart to the One Who created you, the One Who has ever held you safe. Hide yourself in His arms and wail out your grief to Him if you cannot to anyone else. You will feel His grief also and His love and consolation. There is no safer or surer shelter than Him.

Thank you for all you did for us. Thank you so very much.

Namarie, Iluvatar bless you.

Lovingly,

one of your many friends and admirers

Frodo’s response:

My dear Friend, to be honest, your words have filled me to the brim with a feeling of love and gratitude so that I feel I can say nothing in reply to your letter. However, I will try. I am deeply touched that you and so many other strangers share in my grief and suffering. If I had thousands of years I could never repay you all for your silent support.

You will never know what perfect timing you letter came in. I was in one of my darkest times of deep depression, with the voice of the Ring screaming so loudly I could scarce hear anything else. My mind was clouded over with the heaviness of failure, past and present. But when I read your letter, I got a sense of peace that I haven't known for goodness knows how long. I took your advice and shut myself up in my bedroom and wept to Iluvatar. The most wonderful feeling of peace washed over me. I could almost hear the soft, still Voice whispering to my heart that all would be alright. That if my cast myself upon Him, I would be healed. Though I still have a ways to go yet, I know that it helped me a great deal. Hannon le for you words of encouragement.

I continue to marvel at the astounding knowledge you have of my heart and feelings and mind. You seem to know just how broken I really am; how much I need healing; and how I just cannot cry out to anyone for fear of burdening them. With all I have to try and hide my thoughts, it seems they have leaked out and now just about everyone in Middle-earth knows. However the response I have gotten is not what I expected. I have found love and support coming from the most unlikely of places and people. I want you and everyone else to know that your love and support does not go unappreciated. It keeps me going, gives me a reason to live and strength to fight my battles. In my darkest hour, I remember those who share in my grief, whether or not they know me personally, and it is like a light pushing back the shadows and casting a warm glow over the pieces of my heart. So thank you, mell min, whoever you are. Know that your letter was not wasted, but that it helped shed a little light on a broken heart shrouded in the darkness of despair. May we meet in the presence of Iluvatar when this life is over and together we can sing His praises.

Namarie, and may Iluvatar bless you.

Your ever grateful friend,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 2:

Dearest Iorhael,

Hannon le! I was thrilled to get your letter and even more gratified that it helped you so much. I wasn’t sure how you would respond to receiving a letter from a stranger and when I sent it I didn’t dream you’d respond, but I am so glad you did and took my words to heart. I thought I would introduce myself because I want you to know who it is that wrote you. I hope we can be friends for a long time. There are others who have loved you far longer, but I hope my late start will not count against me. My name is Antane. It’s short for Aunt Anne as I am a very proud aunt of 8 nieces and nephews. They give me much joy and love and I love them right back, so I know the joy and love you have given and received from your cousins and your Sam. In fact, I call my youngest nephew Sam because he has the same loving eyes your Sam does. Oh, how lucky I am to have him, to see the same love you saw. And he gives such wonderful, long, loving hugs, just like your Sam does. You are so lucky to have him. I like to write too and that’s another reason I love you, that we have that in common.

You said in your letter that you could not repay me for my support and all the others you cannot see, but I hope you know we surround you with love. But you do not have to repay anyone, dearest. It is we who are in debt to you for saving our world.

Middle-earth does know of you, of your tremendous success against all hopes and fears and expectations. They know nothing of your failure because you did not fail. I know you think you did and I understand why you would think that. I think maybe that’s why I can understand your pain so well because I can see myself feeling the same way. But that doesn’t mean it is right to feel. I have gone through depression myself, short-lived thankfully but very painful to endure so I know that torment and I know how I would feel if I have claimed the Ring and not been able to destroy it. But you need to remember what you said at the Council. “I will take the Ring to Mordor.” That’s all that was laid upon you to do. To be the Ring-bearer. To be Ring-destroyer was not the reason Iluvatar created you. You cooperated fully with His plan when you agreed to take the Ring to that black land. I know all you can see right now is your ‘failure’ at the end, but you didn’t claim the Ring as much as it claimed you, as it had been trying to do for months and months. You held out against it for so long, until near death and emotionally and mentally drained as well, you could no longer resist. That is not your fault.

What I hope you can one day see is all your successes. You took on a burden, even though you knew how much it had already hurt you and you knew or at least feared that you would be hurt more, but you said ‘yes’ so no one else would be if you could help it. You were terrified to the point of tears at times, but you knew what you had to do and you did it. You were tired, cold and hungry, but you went on out of love. You were twisted inside out, but you fought against it and when you failed, you got up and fought again. When you no longer had the strength to walk, you got down on your belly and crawled so great was your determination to fulfill your task. I have never loved you more than that moment. You were intent on saving everyone else even as you came to understand more and more that it would come at the cost of yourself. Still you went on. You were spent bit by bit on that journey, poured out as a living sacrifice. Your body seemed too small for all you had to endure, but not so your heart. You gave and gave and gave. You sacrificed everything so we wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything. The Ring did not spare your heart any more than it did your body, ripping it to shreds as it weakened your frame. Still you went on. You gave everything, dear, so we could have everything.

I know you can’t see yourself right now as the hero you are. But know this, far from being a failure, do you have any idea how many people you have inspired to endure and press on through their own trails because of the model of your own perseverance, dedication and endurance? You couldn’t have made it without Sam, but Sam’s greatest motivation for helping you was his love for you which has only grown. I know you feel tainted, unclean, guilty and ashamed of what you desire and are unable to let go of even now, but, my dearest, you are not an evil person. You are a good and beautiful person who had evil things done to you. You were violated, but that was not your fault. You are not to blame. The Ring was the evil thing, not you. You are still good and beautiful. The very fact that you feel guilty is proof you are, since an evil person would not feel the grief and shame you do now. But don’t hold onto that guilt, thinking if you do, you are still a good person and if you don’t, you are not. You have to let go of the guilt, let go of the past, accept what happened, accept that for all intents and purposes it was beyond your control and it was not some great personal failure of yours that you succumbed at the end when anyone but Iluvatar Himself would have. Regret it and remain fighting against it. Then move on. This cannot be done on your own. I know you wish to shield your friends from your hurt, but they can already see it. They want to help you recover from it. Pain shared is pain halved. Pain held in is pain doubled. You need to spend your energy recovering, not fighting to keep the pain and tears in. You felt how releasing it was to cry to Iluvatar. He knows your heart and your pain and your brokeness better than anyone and He so wants to help you as do we all. He’s felt your guilt and shame and remorse and He’s forgiven you for your weaknesses. He sees the Light He’s ever blessed you with, the Light that Sam and Bilbo and Gandalf have seen, that shines within you even now. What you need to do is rediscover it yourself. You need to forgive yourself as everyone else already has. I know, easier said than done. The hardest person to forgive is oneself and it can’t be done on our own strength. We must have our Creator’s help too. We must ask for His aid and He will give it to us, all we ask for and more than we can imagine. So go back to Him, mellon nin, again and again and again, as many times as you need to. Do not fear of wearying Him. You are His beloved child. He wants you to heal. We all do. He does not see you as a failure. No one does. You may think that they do not understand what you went through, not even Sam who was with you practically every step of the way. Even he did not have the same journey you did and I know you are grateful for that, grateful that no one had to go through what you did, but it must also make you feel very isolated. Don’t be. No one endured what you did, but you were never alone and you aren’t now.

I hope you will give these words the same thoughtful consideration you gave the others and forgive me for being so bold as to give them in the first place. Once you have, be still then and listen to what Iluvatar speaks to your heart, what Sam does, what Merry and Pippin and Gandalf and Aragorn do. Listen to the voices of Love. Give to who you choose, the pieces of your broken heart, trusting it to such loving hands and knowing you will receive it back whole. And please let me know how you are doing.

It has been said that there are people who come into our lives and leave footprints in our hearts and we are never the same. Thank you, dearest, for leaving your footprints, that it was your flesh touching my heart. You have changed my life. Now let others change you back to the glorious being Iluvatar created you to be. The darkness will not conquer forever. You have been the light for so many. Let us now be lights for you.

I would love to meet you one day before the Presence.

Namarie for now, dearest. May Iluvatar ever bless you and bring you peace. I love you.

Your friend,

Antane

My dear Mrs. Antane,

I am forever awed by your openness with me. I did not expect a reply either. Thank you for your love and encouragement. You will never know how much it helped. I am fully aware that I have been negligent in our brief correspondence. Please accept my humblest apologies. I feel it my

obligation to let you know why, lest you should think that I have anything against you personally.Mell min, that is surely not the case.

I have been assailed by the pressures and the Voice of the Ring more powerfully lately. Shadows have haunted me more often than usual. I have spent all my energy fighting the darkness that threatens daily to completely consume me. Sam told me that I was delirious for two days. I am not so sure that it was delirium. It seemed for all the world I was back on the Quest. I am hoping, praying that it was only a dream. I have often wondered if my rescue and my return to Bag End, and even you, were not only a sweet dream, and that I shall wake up to find the Ring still about my neck. Or, what's worse, that I have completely surrendered to the Dark Lord, and that I shall wake up to find the Ring upon his finger. I do not know which is reality. I am not sure of anything anymore.

But there, I have said far more than I intended. I am sorry to be such a burden to you and all who love me and care for me. They say I am not, as you surely will, but I know I am. I hate sharing my burden because it is terrible to bear. And the reason I took the Ring was to keep you all

from suffering as I have. I know what you said about burdens shared are burdens halved, but it is very difficult for me.

Your nieces and nephews sound lovely. If they are anything like you I am sure they are absolutely splendid, delightful children. We who have Sam’s are all the most lucky people in the world. I will be an uncle myself soon. Rosie is expecting. Sam is so proud, I wonder that he hasn't

burst yet. Yes, I will be a proud uncle while I can.

There now, my hand is shaking and it is not easy to write with only four fingers. I do hope you can read this. Namarie, mell nin! Hannon le for being a light in my present darkness. May Iluvatar bless you and keep you well. I apologize again for the delayed reply.

Ever yours,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 3:

Melannen Iorhael,

Hannon le for your response! I was so glad to receive it. I had received in the meantime Sam’s note that you may be a while in replying so I told myself to be patient. At no time did I hold it against you. I had no trouble reading it either. I hope you can read mine. I know I have terrible handwriting!

I wish to assure you most fully that you are not dreaming when you wonder if you are really at Bag End or not. You are. You are in your own bed, taking meals in your own dining room, sitting at your favorite chair in the parlor or the study or propped up against your favorite tree. The Quest is over, dearest. You are back home. The burden you still carry may take you back to that nightmare of before, but that is the dream, not the life you have now. You can watch Sam in the garden; you can breathe the fresh, clean air; you can feel grass under your feet again. It is all real.

It is real because of what you and Sam did. It is your successes that allowed Middle-earth to be saved, for the Free Peoples to still be free. Think of that when the dark dreams and doubts assail you. Concentrate on your Sam’s voice, and Rosie’s and the children of the Shire who can still laugh and sing because of you, when the Ring’s voice sounds in your ears. You are probably already doing that. It is very hard, I know, to give up something you still deeply desire, even if you desire it against your will and wish for nothing else but to be free of it. Continue to pour out your suffering to Iluvatar. This is not a struggle you can succeed with on your own. Only He can free you of the desire that still haunts you. Only with His help can you overcome it.

You know I would say you are not a burden to those who love you and you are right. Repeat that to yourself, dearest, until you believe it. I have only the greatest admiration for your motivations for carrying the Ring yourself so no one would be burdened with it, but your pain, dearest, you do not have to carry all yourself. Do you not know that your Sam and your cousins and all that love you can see your pain, through those beautiful eyes of yours that have always shown your soul? Do not think you are hiding anything from them. And please, dearest, do not now think to shun those that love you most so they do not see your pain. They need you and you need them. They want, we all want, nothing more than to have you well and that means helping you in whatever we can. Let us do that. Please.

You say you told me more than you intended. I think not, dear. I think you needed to share all that with someone, to get it out in the open and away from just inside you, so you can tell what is real and what is not and not just have the counsel of voices that still seek to torment and destroy you. I am honored that you chose me to tell that to. When those voices torture you again and have you believe all sorts of lies about yourself - and I would include Saruman’s parting words to you in that - tell someone of them so you can be assured of the falseness of those words. When one is filled with sadness, it is so easy to believe ill of yourself when that is not truly the case at all. If you cannot tell Sam, tell Iluvatar and listen to what He tells you in the silence of your heart. He will never lie to you and the Ring will never give you truth.

I can hear even through your pain how excited and proud you are to be an uncle. I think being an aunt is the greatest thing in the world and you will find much joy in being an uncle and solace for all your hurts. I hope when you look into that child’s face for the first time, you will know that that little one is alive, happy, free and at peace because of the sacrifices you and Sam made to ensure that. You are Middle-earth’s greatest success, dearest. I hope one day you will realize that.

Thank you very much for your kind words about my nieces and nephews. I’ll have to be sure to tell them what you said.

Please let me hear from you again if you are able. May Iluvatar continue to bless you and may you be healed by His Love. Im mil le, mell nin.

Namarie,

Antane (P.S. I saw you addressed me as Mrs., but I am unmarried, though I certainly don’t blame you for not knowing that).

My dearest Miss Antane,

With all do respect, I believe that your dreams were just that. [This comes from a very strong feeling I had two nights, especially strong one night, that he was truly with me, I imagine it is just like the feeling some people say they get when they feel the presence of someone they loved who has died. It was so strong that I seriously debated with myself whether I should turn on the light in the middle of the night to do something because I was afraid I would wake him so I asked him if he had come. This was quite a splash of cold water in the face to tell me that he hadn’t! But I know he was there. I wasn’t dreaming, maybe the first time, but I wasn’t even in bed the second time, I was completely awake, and he was there. I could not see him with my physical eyes, but the eyes of my heart saw him just as clearly as I see anyone].

Simply dreams. I did not leave Bag End, let alone my bed last night. I am sorry if that is a disappointment to you, but, really, I do not even know how to get to your home. Dreams are mysterious things. Often they can feel so real, so vivid, that upon waking, we wonder if it indeed was dream at all, and if something had indeed happened during the night, or that our waking was in reality a dream. Does that make sense? I thank you for your encouraging words concerning what is real. I know that now, and in the daytime. It's when the darkness threatens to completely consume me, and I can feel the Light slipping thought my fingers...that's when it is worst. Sometimes, I wonder if Iluvatar will take me back. After that final...final surrender on Mount Doom....to...the Ring, how can He still call me His child? I am told daily by Sam and you that I am still, and that He forgives, but you do not see my heart. I still want it. I hate that. I hate myself for wanting it. Why?

I listen now to the children laughing, and birds singing, and I am awed that Iluvatar would pick such and unworthy being as me (and please do not argue with me on that point. I am unworthy.). But, please, do not think that I shun those I love and that I do not offer them comfort. I

do. Often, Merry and Pippin visit Bag End, or I visit them. It pains me that they are so haunted still. I know very well that everyone suffered, but it hurts the most when it is your loved ones, especially so young loved ones. Many a night have I sat up with Merry and Pippin, having them

cry to me. They do not like to do it, but I have not often been put off by my younger relations. They use all these invalid arguments about how, "I don't want to burden you further, cousin." or "Oh, Frodo, you suffer too much already without me adding my petty annoyances." Have you ever heard such nonsense?

Yes, I am positively beaming with excitment over the new addition to Bag End's small, but growing population. Personally, I think Sam should name the lass (for that is what I have a feeling it will be) something that has to do with Elves. He is still so awed by them. Of course, I

don't know how Rosie would like that, being a rather sensible Hobbit. I must go now. I have been rather weary the last few days, and am in due for a long awaited rest. I am sorry that the reply has taken so long to get to you. It has been rather busy around here lately, and I have had some errands to run for a certain new arrival. Hannon le again for your most encouraging words and correspondence.

Namarie, mell nin!

May Iluvatar bless you!

Ever yours,

Frodo Baggins

P.S. I apologize for the former misunderstanding concerning "Mrs." or "Miss". To be honest, I had idea what your marital status was, and so I decided to err to the more respectful side. At least, "Mrs." is more respectful by Hobbit reckoning. I do not know how this matter is treated

in your culture. Perhaps you could enlighten me?

Letter 4:

Dearest Iorhael, Hannon le so much for your letter! It was so very good to hear from you, but,mell nin, the darkness is just getting deeper, isn’t it? I have felt that myself long ago. It could have been perfectly sunny and bright out but inside my own mind, I was in a dark room with the walls very close around me. I only had to reach out a little with my hand and feel them. I imagine sometimes you feel you are back in the spider’s lair with no light around you, only suffocating darkness. But there is light around you as it shone then through the Lady’s phial and it is around you now from the Light itself and your family. I couldn’t see that in my pain and I know you have such difficulty seeing it yourself, but I did heal and so can you.

I hope you don’t think me too bold to keep on writing to you, but I want to do what I can do to help you for I cannot bear to see you in such pain. Be assured of Iluvatar’s love for you, dearest. He can’t take you back because you are already still wrapped in His arms. He has never left you, even if you, under incredible stress and pressure, left His side at times. You already know He has forgiven you. Didn’t you tell me in your first letter that you cried out your grief and shame to Him and He gave you His peace? He wouldn’t have given that to someone He did not already treasure. You are so beloved, mell min, so very, very beloved. You cannot ever imagine in this life how much you are. If it would be easier to imagine how forgiving a Father you have in Him, remember how your parents always forgave you and never stopped loving you when you were naughty as a lad. Or your Aunt Esme and Uncle Sara or Bilbo or Sam. Even Farmer Maggot. Now I know you would say that stealing a couple biscuits from the pantry or not going to bed when you are told or raiding a farm for a handful of mushrooms is hardly on the scale of holding a sword at your brother’s throat or claiming the Ring and you would be right in most ways, but not in the way that is the only one that truly matters. Your parents and your aunt and your uncles and your Sam all loved you so very much, that forgiveness was given you, usually without thought, it was so automatic. If they can forgive so easily and love you so much, despite you being a rascal at times, then think of how much Iluvatar forgives and loves you. You were never not His beloved child. I know how much sadness can alter one’s thoughts and perceptions about one’s self and make us believe that all is darkness, that there is no hope, but, dearest, there is always hope. Believe what you have heard Sam say: "While there’s life, there’s hope." You already know that or so once believed it. You had hope even for Smeagol and you were right to have it. The darkness in him was too great for him to overcome, though with your faith and love, he did try. You must also try using the faith and love of your family. I know it’s hard, I know it’s seemingly impossible, but you have already done the seemingly impossible and succeeded - you made it to Mordor. You made it because you were guided and guarded by more than you know or saw. Let those guardians now help you return from there. Take their hand and let them guide you out. You say I do not see your heart. But I do, mellanen. I do because mine would mirror it if I claimed what you did, desired what you did and still do. I would feel the same guilt and shame and agony and sadness. I would feel the same disgust and hate toward myself. You were violated horribly and you continue to be. What you must understand is that this was all done against your will. Sometimes your will was overcome by incredible pressures, but because you, under duress, chose an evil act does not make you evil. You did not freely will those evil choices with your full faculties. The only thing you truly willed freely on your own was to follow the Will of the One you were barely aware of at the time of the Council, but you still wished to serve. Each step you took toward your goal was another free choice. Focus on the thousands of times you said 'yes' instead of the few times you said 'no'. I know you do not wish to desire the Ring still. I know you see this as a personal weakness as well as surrendering your will to the Ring's at the last moment - I would feel the same way - but my mell mellon, it is not a weakness just of yours. Only Iluvatar Himself could have withstood the pressure there and you were already so weakened by the Ring's assaults over long months and by starvation and thirst. As far as desiring it still or desiring it at all, this is something it twisted all its bearers into wanting and not being to let go of. That is a great grief not only to you, but to all that love you, to Iluvatar Himself, but He has not left you to suffer alone. He has given you Sam. You have that gem of your queen’s and her gift to you, her place on the ship going West. Yes, I know about that. Iluvatar knows how torn you are and He wishes so much to heal you. If it cannot be done here in your beloved home, then let Him guide to where you can be. Let Him heal you of all the pain you carry inside, the self-hate and loathing. Let him clear it all away and restore you the shining being He created you as. Only He can do that.

As far as being unworthy, I would agree with you. Surprised? We are all imperfect creatures, unworthy of love at times, especially of Divine Love, but does that stop it from being given? Only if we harden ourselves so much against it, that it cannot get through. And you have not done that. Iluvatar did not choose you unwisely to be the last Ring-bearer. He knew exactly what He was doing and was using your very littleness of stature but greatness of heart to the best advantage. Do not think His Heart didn’t break along with yours as you struggled to fulfill His Will and do not think He will ever leave you unrewarded for such an valiant effort. I am glad to hear that my worry that you would shun the company of those you love and who love you was but a baseless fear of mine and I’m sorry if I offended you for suggesting you might do that. I am glad you can give your cousins comfort. You already know their arguments against‘burdening’you are invalid. Can you not also then see that you are not burdening anyone either if you let them see your pain as well? You had to carry the Ring alone, but you do not have to carry the burden of that alone. It is too heavy for one person. That's why you were given companions. Lean on them now as they lean on you. Yes, it’s very hard, the hardest thing in the world, to watch someone you love suffer. You know that and will do everything you can to alleviate that. Can you let them do the same for you and ease their own pain a bit as yours eases when you help them? I am even more glad that your heart is lightened by the upcoming birth of your first niece or nephew. This child will be born in peace because you said ‘yes’ to a silent Voice inside you at the Council and embraced the Will of the One Who created you specifically for that task and strengthened you with graces throughout your life so you could succeed. I hope that will bring you consolation as well. You did succeed, dearest. “I will take the Ring to Mordor” you said and you did. You did not fail in your task and now generation upon generation will live in peace because you said one simple word in the interior of your heart to the Voice inside you. I am glad you will be able to see the first fruits of that success.

To answer your question on the forms of addressing a lady when the martial status is unknown, the standard is Ms. which encompasses both Miss and Mrs., while allegedly not offending either status, but I personally cannot stand it myself. I much prefer Miss as that is what I am. If one day I am lucky enough and worthy enough of a Sam, then that will change, but right now I am Miss. No need to apologize over something you had no way of knowing ahead of time. I am so gratified that we have this chance for correspondence and I hope it will continue to shed some light in your darkness. I hope to hear from you when you are able to tell me again how you are faring. I know you must wonder how you can be so dear to me when we have not formally met, but just know you are loved and not just by me, but by many others you may only meet in Iluvatar’s Presence. Know, mell min, that day will come when you will stand before Him and you will not ashamed to do so and He will not be ashamed of you. He is not ashamed now either. I leave you a quote that may be helpful.“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.” You have felt that all of that, with your parents, with Bilbo, with your Sam and your cousins, haven’t you? Now trust in Love itself. May you continue to feel His blessing and peace.

Namarie,

Im mil le,

Antane

[The quote I think is from Ralph Waldo Emerson].

My dear Miss Antane,

Well, I was getting deeper into darkness, until I had a dream. I dreamt that I was standing in front of a being clothed in light, and somehow I knew that this being was Iluvatar. I could not see Him very well, He was just a general shape immersed in warm, golden light. I hung my head in

shame. But then He pulled my into His embrace and I felt rather than saw Him smiling down upon me. I am not sure whether He actually said the words "I love you" or if I just felt it, but I knew I was loved and accepted. It was a wonderful feeling.

But, don't think that your letter didn't help either. Lately I am pleased to say, I have been in a rather giddy mood. It all started in the garden with Sam and I told him as if talking about a completely different person that someone’s birthday was coming up, meaning of course his own. He just laughed and looked at me strangely. I tried to come across stern and said that it wasn't funny and was a very pressing matter that must be dealt with right away. It set us off into a very giddy mood and every time our eyes caught, we would have a terrible fit of giggles that would turn into a fit of laughter. Poor Rosie just smiled, but she was completely lost.

Oh I am so sorry to hear that you went through depression. It is a most terrible thing to experience. Yes, that is indeed how I feel, in the lair in oppressing darkness, save for one small light that is swiftly fading even as I grasp at it, and all about me, throbbing in my ears are the

voices of the Evil one, tempting, hurting, destroying all light. I’m sure you know the feeling. But I cry out to Iluvatar and hope that He is listening and caring, even if I cannot hear His answer or find His help. He is still there, is He not? That was a foolish question, and I apologize. Especially after what you said about me already being treasured and held in His arms. However, it is sometimes hard to believe in the unseen and sometimes those things that are not felt physically.

Bold? No indeed, mell min! In fact, quite the opposite really. I do hope that I am not bothering you with all my emotional fluxations. So you know about the gift to go across the Sea? It is terrible and wonderful, mell min. Terrible because I have to leave Sam and Merry and Pippin and all the others and the Shire again, this time with certainty of never coming back. I don’t want to leave here. I suppose, though, that this is part of the sacrifice and choice to be healed. But the gift is wonderful because it gives me the chance to heal, the chance to let Iluvatar gather the tiny pieces of my heart and put them back together. However, there is one piece that I do not wish Him to put back in me. And that is the one I am leaving in the Shire. I always want my memory of this place to be sweet and fresh. I haven’t told Sam yet. It kills me to keep anything from him,

and yet I just can’t let him know, not this time. I am glad indeed that I can tell someone of this worry. It is horrid to carry it bottled up inside me and have to smile every time someone asks what is wrong and reply, "Nothing," or "Just the darkness of the Ring," Though really it is

the darkness of leaving.

You did not offend me by worrying that I would shun the company of friends and family. As you said about me concerning the correct form to address a lady, no need to apologize about something you had no way of knowing. Again, I thank you for your kind words and the light that you indeed do shed into my darkness. It is I that should be gratified for this chance of correspondence. It has given me help and something to look forward to. And I daresay, the postman and I have gotten to know each other quite well by now. We may not have met formally, but you are as dear a friend to me as if I had known you for a very long time. I will trust in Love and Light, and I look forward to meeting you in Iluvatar’s presence one day.

Namarie! Elen sila lumenn omentielmo! [A star shines upon the hour of our meeting].

Ever cordially yours,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 5:

Dear Iorhael,

I am so glad that you felt Iluvatar's Presence and love. What a blessing and a balm to your soul! Do not ever fear, if the dark voices tempt you doubt, that it was but a dream and you are still lost in the black and He has cast you away. He has not. He is real and His love for you is real. Never doubt that He is near you and loving you all the while. He has held you all your life, before you were even born. He held you when your parents died. He walked with you during the happy, carefree days in the Shire and He was beside you every step of the Quest. He was with you at the Fire. You may not always think He hears you or answers your prayers or loves you still, but He does, mell nin, He does. He loves you more than you can possible imagine. Here is a poem that I hope you will take to heart as I am so glad you have honored me by taking my other words. I did not write it but another woman did. It's called Footprints in the Sand. You'd think it was written just for a hobbit! :)

"One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints.

"This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints.

"So I said to the Lord, 'You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?'

"The Lord replied, 'The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand, is when I carried you.'"

Dearest, Sam was not the only one to carry you up that mountain. He couldn't have done on his own. When you find it hard to believe in the invisible, believe in the visible - believe in your Sam's love. I know you do already. As great at that is, your Creator's love for you is infinitely greater. It has never left you, just as Sam's never has, even if at times you have left it. Iluvatar knows you still desire the Ring but He also knows you do not wish to desire it. If, when, you leave the Shire, you will not go alone. He will be with you. Your Sam and your cousins will be ever near as well, as close as your next thought, as you hold them in your heart and they hold you in theirs. The thousands upon thousands of memories you four share will help sustain you. There will be tears, but there will be joy also, healing for all of you. You will find the right time to say goodbye to Sam. I know you will want to spare him any pain until the very last second and am sorry to cause it at all, but though bitter this parting will be, it is only a physical one. You know that, don't you? It is not a separation of the heart and soul you two have long shared and that is true for you and your cousins as well. Love does not end ever, but the pain will. Thank you for trusting me with all your fears and worries. I am once again honored that you have done so. I am also so happy that you have been feeling better. It's always good to cry if you must, but laughing and giggling is even better! Wonderful!

(This ended without my namarie and all that since I pressed send to soon instead of save draft)

Letter 6: even before I heard from him on the 5^th!

Dearest Iorhael,

I know I just sent you a letter but I didn’t say everything I wanted to. I, too, look forward to our letters and I am so glad they are giving you some consolation. I’ve also realized that our correspondence must end when you go West. I am already saddened by that, but I am so glad we have had this unexpected time together, short as it may be. We have a saying, ‘It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.’ And I do not believe I will be losing you. You will go to a much better place, then later to an infinitely even better and perhaps it will there that we will meet. How can I be sad at that? But I will miss our letters. Still, this is not the time to grieve. I hold you in my heart and there I hope you will remain for a long, long time.

Yes, sadness is a terrible thing to go through, but if my experience has helped you get through yours or can help anyone else, then I am glad to have had it. I also experienced the great peace that can come also so not all was darkness.

But the reason I couldn’t wait to write to you again is that, I’ve also come across some very encouraging words from another woman that speak right to what we have been talking about regarding Iluvatar’s love for you. She doesn’t know you, or at least I’m not aware that she does, but she could have been writing them just for you, the timing of finding them just now is that perfect. I’m going to quote excerpts from her directly. Her name is Mother Angelica. (Don’t get confused when you see the word God. That is Who the Creator is called here.)

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." (Jer. 1:5) Our minds cannot comprehend how special each soul is to God. We do not understand the dignity that is ours when His Goodness chose each one of us to live, to think, to know, to see, to love.

“We did not happen to be—we were chosen by God to exist. Before time began God chose each one of us and this choice was deliberate. God saw all the possible human beings He might have created throughout the history of the world. Out of possible billions of human beings that might have existed in God's mind—His Eye rested on each one of us and then stopped looking and said, "You shall be." His providence placed us in a time and state of life that would bring out our greatest potential.

“He gave each of us special talents, gifts and natural virtues all geared towards a deeper knowledge of Himself. Even those whose circumstances prevent them from knowing Him directly, possess a deep conviction of His existence and providence.

“He placed into each of us an inner radar system that warns of danger and assures us intuitively of His care, so we will never be far from Him and will not be deprived of the knowledge of His existence.

“The Hand that formed each of us left Its imprint upon our minds and souls for He made us to His own image. The soul He breathed into this work of His Hands—our body—was imprinted with some of His love—His creative power—His strength.

“We reflect His eternity, for once His Will called us out of nothingness, we became immortal—our soul will never die.

“When man pronounces a name it is mostly a call to serve, but when God pronounces it, it bestows life, power, grace and joy. How wonderful and how fortunate we are as God constantly calls our name and bestows upon us the grace to change and respond to His love.

"You drew me out of the womb, you entrusted me to my mother's breasts; placed on your lap from birth, from my mother's womb you have been my God." (Ps. 22:9-10) The psalmist realizes that it was the Lord God who held him in His lap as his natural mother fed and cared for him. He saw God upholding his body, giving him strength and all the necessary bodily functions to grow. We must never lose sight of this reality. Never for a moment has God ceased caring, providing for and loving us. Even at those times when others seemed to have charge of our growth and care—it was done so on the lap of God—the loving care of a compassionate Father, who never ceased to look after us. He did so in such silence that we were not aware of His concern. It was as if His power might frighten us or His strength crush us, that He handled our formation and growth with such tenderness and silence. It is unfortunate that we have mistaken silence for absence and tenderness for neglect.

"You know me through and through, from having watched my bones take shape when I was being formed in secret, knitted together in the limbo of the womb." (Ps. 139:15) Only God knows us as we are. When the Psalmist said God knows us through and through, he meant every aspect of our creation, life, talents, temperament and characteristics. He knew the crosses that would come our way and how each one would help to change, mold and form our soul to His Image. Like all fathers, He looked forward to the day He would see Himself clearly mirrored in us. He anticipated our choosing Him above all things and saw what marvelous glory those choices would give us. He saw the holiness we might obtain, the humility of heart that would be like a shield around us. He saw the tears His love would gently wipe away and the times He would lean down to take hold of our hand as we fell from grace. He saw our bad choices and grieved over our pain and then sought ways to bring good out of everything. Yes, He knew us then, through and through as He knows us now and—still He loves us.

"My days were listed and determined even before the first of them occurred." (Ps. 139:16) We have such a low opinion of ourselves—our sense of God's justice is so severe—our comprehension of His mercy is meager—our delight in His love short-lived. We reserve our expression of love for God as an act of gratitude after some favor has been received. How often do we think of God's love for us before one day of our existence came into being? With what love and care He brought us forth and determined the length of our days! We did not just happen to be. We have a mission to fulfill, a place in His Kingdom to occupy, a duty to perform and a work to accomplish. We are important to God and an integral part of salvation history. Each human being exerts an influence, changes people for good or bad, builds or destroys, uses or creates opportunities. We can truthfully say each human being changes the world for good or bad and the world is not the same because each one of us has lived in it. No matter how insignificant our role, how lowly our position, how unknown our contribution, each one of us leaves a mark somewhere, in some way upon this world. No wonder He chooses us with great care and determines our course with infinite love. What a gift is life!

“...there are many who live in a kind of nether world—the darkness of inferiority—of uselessness, of despair without a thought of God, love or what is to come. They live within a circle of their own thoughts, selfish desires and self-hatred. If only all those living in these painful, frustrating attitudes would realize how much they are loved by God, how they have a place in His plans, how He watches over them, cares for them and desires they be with Him in His Kingdom. Surely the realization of being created, supported, loved and cared for from conception, through life and in death would secure freedom to the unborn, give courage to the destitute and confidence to the hopeless.

“God has our entire lives in the palm of His loving Hands - we can rest secure about our past, present and future for He loves us.”

I hope these words further strengthen you, dearest, and help you realize even more how much Iluvatar has blessed you and continues to do so.

Namarie,

Im mil le,

Antane

His reply to my fifth and sixth letters:

My dearest Miss Antane,

It was very good to hear from you again. I assure you that it your unfinished letter is not a problem. I was going to reply to you anyway. However, that decision was obviously unnecessary.

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for your encouraging (and rather flattering) words concerning the decision to go West. However, after all the depths of darkness, there has come a light to my mind. And I wonder if the decision to sail West is a wrong one. At least, I know

that I must stay until after the babe is born. But even then, a new light is dawning on my horizon, as you encourage me with Iluvatar and show me the love He has for me. Your words, "He saw the tears His love would gently wipe away and the times He would lean down to take hold of our

hand as we fell from grace." have given me the most comfort. I can never express how much those words have helped. I find myself again apologizing for the delayed reply. This time,

however, it is not for a bad reason. It is for a wonderful reason. I have been planning a birthday surprise for my dear Sam, whose birthday, if you didn’t know, is April 6th. I am so excited, I feel like I must tell someone. You don’t mind, do you? I am going to write a letter to the famed Merry the Magnificent, and Pippin and King Elessar and Gandalf and see if they can come here on that day. I want something very special for my Sam. I may have the King (and the Queen Arwen if she comes) could bring some athelas and books on herb lore. And of course Merry and Pippin

will bring all their songs and tales from Rohan and Gondor. I want them to bring a very special cake. I am not sure what else to do. I want that day to be perfect for him. Do you have any ideas? I would be much obliged. I am also going to write a very special letter for him. I must say, all of those quotes were encouraging and beautifully written. Hannon le, mellon nin. You always know just what to say to encourage my heart. I still have so much to do in preparation for Sam’s birthday, and the baby and various other things. The book is very near done. Hannon le

for all you do for me. May Iluvatar bless you. Namarie, mell min!

Ever yours,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 7:

Melannen Iorhael,

I was so pleased to get another letter from you! I think we are the same in always watching our box for the next post. I am honored and humbled that you have received so much consolation from our correspondence, though I cannot take credit for writing those quotes that helped you so much. I’m that glad I came across them though and just at the time you needed to hear them.

I am so very glad that you are doing so much better, in fact that you may even decide to stay in the Shire! I will admit that I would love that as I have already begun to dread your leaving. I would beg you to stay, but I realize that is my selfishness speaking that I would want our correspondence and, dare I say, friendship continue. But more than I want you to stay, I want you to heal. If you can in the Shire, wonderful! If you find you need to go West, then be assured I will support you in that. All of us will, no matter what you decide. We will not cease to love you. Listen to your heart, dearest, to Iluvatar’s Voice inside you and you will not fail to make the right decision. His Light will guide you. Follow it, wherever it leads. Only He can guide you correctly. Once you reach the decision, you will know it’s the right one, if it brings you peace. If it doesn’t, then continue searching. If you decided to go West, there will be pain, but you will also know under that, peace if that is the path Iluvatar wishes you to take. If it is not, you will know which one He does, in the silence of your heart. Talk to Gandalf and Aragorn and anyone else you can, if you cannot talk to Sam or your cousins. Pray and pray hard. You will know then how He intends to reward you for all your sacrifices.

Your birthday preparations sound like a lot of fun! The only thing I would add is that, would it be possible to contact Lord Elrond or the Lady Galadriel? Knowing Sam’s love of Elves, I’m sure he’d be delighted. And I’m sure the Lady would be pleased to see what’s he’s done with her gift. The only fear would be that it would embarrass him, but I’ll leave that up to you whether it would be appropriate or not to invite them. Could Gimli and Legolas come? It would be a lovely reunion of the Fellowship if it could all be done, wouldn’t it? What fun! I wish I could be there with you all.

I look forward to hearing from you again. Please say hello to Sam for me. He is so dear to me as well. Hannon le for all you two did for us.

Namarie,

May Iluvatar continue to bless you both,

Im mil le,

Antane

Letter 8:

My dearest Miss Antane, I am writing this letter from Brandy Hall. I am sorry that this has to be rushed, especially considering that I have been negligent in our correspondence. I believe Sam has already written you a letter telling you of the events that happened during your absence. I had a draft of my letter to you ready on my desk, but a terrible summons came informing me thatMerry has fallen ill. I was asked to come immediately, as he probably does not have long to live. I barely arrived in time. The healers believe that he is on the mend. He is still terribly ill. I have hardly had any sleep whatsoever while keeping a vigil over my sweet Merry, so I apologize for the hurried nature of this letter. I do not think that I will be writing anything for a long while. Please forgive me. My cousin needs me, and that is taking all of the energy I have right now. I do not know when I will go back home. I just hope.that Merry will heal quickly. I think Sam is worried for my health, so before you receive anything from him, I assure you I am fine, only weary. Weary and worried. But there, Merry has awoken, I must go.

Namarie, mellon nin. And hannon le for always being there for me. Please tell Sam not to worry.

Yours truly,

Frodo Baggins

Melannen Iorhael, I am so pleased to have received your letter! I have missed our correspondence. I am sorry to hear that Merry is so ill, but I am glad that you are there with him. Perhaps it will help distract you from your own sadness and the change of scenery might do you some good too. I know it may be a while before you can respond to this, but I hope it reaches you in better spirits. There is nothing to forgive. I know you have been busy. Yes, Sam did tell me about the 13th. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I was thinking of you though. I feared it would be bad. You had such hope for healing before. I fear even more that you have lost that. Have you? I think I felt even worse on the 14th because I hadn't even told you that I would be away. But I knew Sam and Iluvatar would be there and you can't have been companions than those who love you so well. You do know, Iluvatar was there, don't you? Always has been and always will be.

I cannot tell Sam not to worry. He is already worried. I know you don't want anyone to know of your pain, especially your brothers, but my dear, stubborn Baggins, please don't labor any more under the illusion that you are sparing them anything. How can you hide something from your own heart and soul? You cannot. They can see your broken heart, but they can't touch it for the shell you've put around it and that is hurting them. Please let them touch it as you have let Iluvatar touch it. You have received such peace from Him. You could receive some release from your pain if you could let others help you too. I hope Sam will forgive me for telling you something he would never tell you himself. The 13th was very hard on him because he felt he had to continue the charade of nothing being wrong when he knew there was something very wrong and wanted nothing more to help you. He has loved you and taken care of you since he was nine and that love has only grown as you well know and your brother-cousins have loved you all their lives and are only a little less protective of you than Sam is. Please let them continue taking care of you. Your stubbornness and Sam's love and Iluvatar's grace got you both to Mordor. They all served you well, but now is the time to set that stubborness aside and let others see what they already do. I hope you will forgive me for being so bold, but I love you and Sam so much, I don't want either of you to be in pain and I certainly don't want Merry or Pippin to be either. I hope when you get back home and Merry is all well, that you will simply hold your Sam tightly and let yourself feel that incredible love and let him feel yours and know that he will always be with you, always love you and always take care of you. That will help him stop worrying than anything I could say. And then hug Merry and Pippin too! I'm glad that you have the joy now of being an uncle - isn't wonderful, isn't it? I think being an aunt and a friend to all my nieces and nephews is certainly that. And I'm glad the birthday party went so well! It won't be one your brother will soon forget. I know you want to give him as many happy memories as you can before you leave. I look forward to hearing from you again when you have a moment to spare. Thanks for taking the time now to write.

Namarie, mell min,

May Iluvatar continue to bless you,

Im mil le,

Antane :)

Letter 9:

Melannen Iorhael, I hope that you and Merry have long recovered from those terrible colds you go. Yes, I know you got it too and I wouldn’t be surprised if you got it worse than your Merry. I wish I could have been there to help you. You have to take care of yourself, mell nin. You are already weakened by sadness and worry. I know you were well taken care of by Pippin and your aunt and uncle and I hope that Sam was able to come before he had to go away. I knew he wouldn’t have left without knowing you were well, so you must be and long ago. I hope when he returns, he’ll spoil you a bit (or a lot!) with all the love he had in his heart for you and I know you are going to want to spoil him with the joy that will overflow from you. Even amidst the dark clouds that surround you, there will be that bright, shining light to chase the clouds away or so I hope. Please let me know how you are doing. It’s been so long since we last heard from each other and I have missed you.

I end this on a happy note to inform you that I am an aunt again!

May Iluvatar ever hold you in His arms.

Im mil le,

Antane

(Unfortunately I have lost his reply to this letter but you can tell some of what was in it by my responses to it in my next letter.)

Letter 10:

Melannen Iorhael, the Quick Post is really working overtime that I get your replies so quickly! Wonderful! Thank you! I am glad that your cousins are keeping you well distracted and happy until Sam's return. I hope they don't change either!

Don't worry about the confusion over my new aunthood. Just about everyone, if not everyone I told just automatically assumes that the child is born but alas he has not been. (I just assume everyone is a he until birth, I refuse to say 'it'). I call him little one and that's his name until we know and that is how I pray for him and his mum. Thank you again for your happiness for me - I'll have to tell my sister when I have the chance.

I am very glad to hear that our correspondence may be able to continue even if you decide to go West. I had been dreading your departure, but now we need not miss each other if we can still write or somehow communicate! And if we can do it, I would think you could with your Sam and cousins. Perhaps that will help you decide, though I know it will be sore trial to leave them behind, but they will ever be close to you in your heart. Hold them there and know they will never leave you as you will never leave them.

You wonder how one who feels so guilty can go before Iluvatar Who is so holy - my dearest, that is exactly when you should go. Take before Him all your brokenness and your shame and grief and let Him touch it and turn it to joy and wholeness instead. He wants so badly to heal you. Go to Him as you went to your parents when you were hurt and in need, as your cousins went to you when they were younger, trusting that all would be made well and all was made well, wasn't it? You are Iluvatar's beloved child. He set you aside from all others to be His Ring-bearer. His.Think about that. Not what the Ring twisted you into, but a holy vessel of the One given a sacred task none other could perform for none other had been created to perform it. He knew it would break you as it would any mortal, as it would even Gandalf or the Elves, but He also gave you thegrace and strength to endure to fulfill His plan. You took His hand at the Council and allowed Him to lead you into the deepest darkness where only His light was there for you. Take hold of that hand again. He is still wanting to hold onto you, to lead you out now. Trust Him to still take care of you as you did all those months you toiled in His service. Accept now your reward. It would be trial indeed to have to leave behind all you love, but He wishes you only joy even if you must pass through some suffering first. Believe in the dawn, mell nin. It awaits you, after this longest, darkest night. It awaits.

Namarie,

May Iluvatar ever bless you and hold you,

Im mil le,

Antane

Hullo there, Antane! It really is a struggle not to write "Miss Antane". I was constantly telling Sam not to call me "Mr." for so many years. Who would have thought that now I have the same problem? And yes, the Quick Post must really be working for you to have received my letter so soon!

Believe me, if the correspondence can continue if I go West, it will certainly make the decision easier. And yet...it still will not be the same. Letters are never the same when you know you will never see your loved ones again. And then the Shire cannot write, nor can Bag End. I will miss more than friends, Antane. I shall miss the rolling hills, Bag End, the familiarity of the whole Shire. It's for the Shire that I took such a hopeless journey. And now I cannot even enjoy it like I wanted to. When I was on Mount Doom, nay, on the whole Quest, all I could think about was the Shire. I tried to picture the Shire, and everyone left behind. I hoped they were alright. I couldn't see anything or recall the feel of grass or the sweet breeze. Only after the Ring was destroyed was I able to actually recall the feeling of grass and the taste of food. But now that I am back, I have suffered and am not able to enjoy the Shire as I should. You would think, after all that I have just said, that I would not mind leaving. But it is not so. It makes it all the harder. For there is always that small hope whispering, "What if..." I do not know, Antane. I do not know what I should do.

Oh...hannon le. You know not how much your words have helped. I will look for that hand. I will wait for the dawn, for I am still in the middle of a very black night, I think. Hannon le, mell nin!

Namarie!

Im mil le, and may Iluvatar bless you!

Truly Yours,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 11:

Most melannen Iorhael, oh, I don't know how else to counsel you except as I have been - to take Iluvatar's hand and trust that He will not lead you wrong, but only to your great happiness and healing for He wishes nothing else for you. That may indeed entail further sacrifices on your part, but in the end, you will have rejoicing if you can allow such healing to enter your heart. Such a huge decision must only be in His presence and not in solitary melancholy. Is there a place, a favorite tree or meadow or something that you can go to and just be with Him? Would the gem you were given help you achieve enough peace and calm to hear His voice so you would know which way He wants you to go?

Believe me, I know it is very difficult sometimes to figure out His will for oneself. You have actually helped me a lot on my own journey and I would hope to help you on yours. I don't know how it is to leave behind practically all I've ever loved. I don't think I told you but a few months ago now I had a very strong feeling that persisted for about a week that I was going to lose my parents and the sister I live with. Nothing happened, but I knew even though it would be very difficult in the beginning especially, I still would know they were around me and part of me, because they would still be in my heart and I would hope to see them again someday. They'd not be here physically but they would be still be very much with me. And I would have my friends - you included, mell nin - to help support me as you will have Bilbo and Gandalf.

I want you to be happy, dearest, so whatever you decide I will support. If you decide the West is how Iluvatar wishes to heal you and we could indeed still communicate, I would offer to pass on anything to your Sam or cousins and to you, anything from them, if you can't speak directly to them. I leave that up to you and them since undoubtedly these would be private letters and perhaps you wouldn't want a third party to be involved, but I want to offer you the opportunity and ease your passing West if that is what you decide.

Pray for peace and guidance. If you cannot talk to your brothers about this, could you talk to Gandalf? I hope to hear from you soon!

Namarie,

May Iluvatar ever bless you and keep you safe in His arms,

Im mil le, (hannon le for saying that to me, that is very special!)

Antane

Oh, my dear Antane! I just don't know...I don't know how to tell you how much you've helped me. Hannon le! I am still debating about whether to go West or not. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. The thought of more sacrifice...I feel like I've given everything. Can't I just be allowed to live in peace? That's all I want. I don't want to give up anything else. I know that still living in this place is causing pain, or at least, there is no relief to the pain. But I don't want to let go. I don't want to.

Oh, Antane! I've tried talking to Iluvatar, but sometimes I wonder if He can even hear my prayers. I won't stop trying, however. Hannon le for letting me get that off my chest. I can't talk to Sam about it because I can't let him know I'm considering leaving. I don't want to say goodbye until I have to. If I were to tell him, he would start living like I was dying or something. I just want life to go on as normal as it can for as long as it can. Do you understand that?

Oh, Antane! I'm so sorry! I am truly relieved to find that nothing happened to them. I almost lost my Sam once before the Quest, and I nearly died of heartache. But Iluvatar has spared him even through the blackest of quests, and for that I am beyond grateful.

I wrote a letter to Lord Elrond and asked him if it would be possible to communicate from the West, and he said yes! I am thrilled beyond words! This will help greatly, if indeed I decide I need to leave (which I hope beyond hope that will not be so). If I can write to you, surely there would be no need for you to act as courier between Sam and me? I would be grateful, of course, but I think it would be illogical, and it would save you a lot of trouble if I simply sent them straight to him. By the way, have you heard from Sam recently? He has been gone for a long time and he has finally returned, to Rosie and my delight. That was actually one of the reasons I have not written you in so long.

I must go now. Ellie is being fussy and needs her Uncle Frodo. :) I only wish I could be uncle to all of Sam's other children.

Namarie, mell nin!

Im mil le,

Frodo Baggins

Letter 12:

Melannen Iorhael, thank you so much for your letter! It was wonderful to hear from you again, though my heart does ache for your continued pain. Be assured that Iluvatar does indeed hear your every prayer, spoken and not, sees every tear whether shed or not. I can only ask that you abandon yourself to His will for you as you did at the Council when you said you would take the Ring. You trusted Him to take care of you and you need to renew that trust now. I know it can be very difficult to surrender yourself totally, especially when your will may appear to be in conflict with His, but though you wished to be at home instead of going on the Quest, you still did do what He asked of you. You could have said no, but you said yes. You have the freedom here again to say no or yes. It is only peace and healing that He wishes to give you and perhaps that can only be found in the West. If He is asking one more sacrifice for you, then think that the reward He wishes to give you will be in proportion to that sacrifice. We think we know what we want and need, but He knows us better and loves us infinitely better than we can ever imagine. He will give you the peace and healing you so crave, in a way that is best for you, better than we could ever think of. So keep praying for guidance and strength. I, too, wish you could still live with your Sam and in the Shire. Perhaps you still can. It is through knowing you and Sam that I have opened myself up more to His will myself.

I haven’t had heard from Sam, though I know he has returned. I hope I do soon, but I certainly understand he’s got more important things to do!

I am glad that if you do decide to go West, that we can continue to write and even more glad that you will also be able to still communicate with Sam and your cousins. I know that won’t replace their physical presence in your life, but they will live forever in your heart and thoughts. You would only need to go there to be with them and they with you. But I know it will be very difficult at first to not be able to see them.

Hannon le again for the honor of your trust in me that you share your pain with me. It is too great a burden to carry alone. I wish you could still talk to Sam and/or your cousins about it. Perhaps it would help your decision. It could be part of your pain is from keeping all this secret from them. I know I would have difficulty too, but don’t ever doubt that they will love you as they always have. Hasn’t Sam already seen you at your worst and still loves you ever more and more? Don’t listen to the dark voices inside you that tempt you to believe he will not always love you. For he shall. Forever and ever. Nothing could ever destroy that love. Had that been possible it would have failed already, but it is Iluvatar’s own love for you that shines through your Sam. And Merry and Pippin shall always love you too. They may not know all the trials you went through, but they know you have suffered and want to ease that any way they can. If you can talk and realize that their love is not going to falter, and the pain still does not go away, then I would counsel that your reward lies in the West. Iluvatar does not want you to continue to suffer, but He will not force you to stay or leave. He wishes only your love and willing obedience. Keep praying and one day you will find the answer clear and peace will come then. The answer may already be in front of you. Listen in the silence for His voice, not amid the pain.

I know this is easy for me to say and much more difficult for you to do and I know I would quail, too, before the idea of more being asked when I had already given everything. Continue, though, dearest, to believe in the light, even if you cannot see it now. Keep walking, though you fear yourself lost. The night will end. You fear that if Sam knew he would live as though you were dying and in some way I believe those fears would be justified, but, mell nin, aren’t you dying already inside? Don’t think your beloved brothers can’t see that. We all want you to live and live fully. A normal life would be one spent in the light. You have been enslaved by darkness too long, surrender now to the Light. Trust. Let Iluvatar lead you. You will not be led astray. I fear you may think I do not know the magnitude of the additional sacrifice that He may be asking of you, and you would be right, since I have never even spent a full day completely by myself and I have no idea what it would be like to leave everything and almost everyone I love behind, but still that may be what He is asking, so you can be closer to Him, so He can show you even more clearly how much you are loved and that you will never be alone because He will always be with you. I hope that helps and I hope if such is ever asked of me, I shall have the same strength and courage I am trying to give to you.

Namarie,

May you always be able to feel how much Iluvatar loves you,

Im mil le,

Antane

Letter 13:

Melannen Iorhael, I have been thinking of you a lot and wondering how you are doing. I keep thinking of all the pain of not wanting to leave you are trying to hold inside. I wanted to share with you this small bit of wisdom from a holy man named Francis de Sales: "Have no fear for what tomorrow will bring. The same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. God will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings." You may recall that Iluvatar's name is God here. I hope this will bring you comfort and peace, a little chink of light in the darkness that drowns you now. Always seek the Light, dearest. Though your steps in that direction may lead you away from the Shire, you need only to travel toward the Light to be going the right way.

I have heard from Sam and he knows you are leaving, though he thinks it only to Rivendell to be with Bilbo. I would beg you to give his heart some time to prepare itself that it will actually be much further, if you do intend to leave. I know you would wish to spare him any additional pain until the very last moment, but would that be the right thing to do? I don't know. I would hope that you would also set aside some time to say goodbye to your cousins. I hope also that you will forgive me for being so forward as to order your life in this fashion, but it is out of love, dearest and most stubborn of hobbits! I love you all and this is going to be a very difficult time for all four of you if you have decided that the path of healing leads you West. I realize that when you thrust that sword into your brothers' hearts, you will also be thrusting it into your own and this is truly a wound that cannot be prepared for ahead of time for any of you and it will bleed freely for some time no matter what you do. I don't know if I could the stand the sight of it anymore than you could. Sometimes we hurt most those we love best. Perhaps I too would choose the last minute, but I don't know. I wish I had better counsel for you or better that this choice was not even before you, but it is and only you can make it. Continue to place yourself in Iluvatar's Presence and trust that He will take care of not only you, but those you leave behind.

Please let me know how you are doing. I wish I could be with you!

Namarie,

May Iluvatar ever hold you close,

Im mil le,

Antane

Oh, Antane, dearest of friends, I cannot properly ask forgiveness for the long delay in letters. Ihave been thinking alot about you, as well. I have actually sat down to write you a letter several times and was desperately hoping that you would not think that I am angry with you, or am ignoring you. I have not been feeling well lately, and my cousins have been in and out of Bag End. I also have letter correspondences with other people that I have been falling behind on. When you are planning (or at least think you are planning) to leave Middle-earth forever, there are many things that must be done in preparation.

That is a beautiful quote. Hannon le for sharing it with me. It is very encouraging, though it does not make this burden any easier.

Oh, Antane! I have been desperately trying to make the right choice! It is not an easy one to make! I know full well the costs of telling my loved ones before hand and telling them only moments before. I know them too well. I have laid awake in my bed thinking about it, debating what to do for months now. It is as a thorn in my heart. I know the look on Sam's face will be more than I can bear, but having to bear that look for weeks before I leave... It would be better for all of us to wait. Our last days together would be happy ones to look back on, not sad ones. Besides, if I told Sam ahead of time, I would lose my resolve to leave. And as long as there is nohealing here, I must leave. But I will always hold onto that shred until the ship sets sail. I know you are trying to help me, but I do not think anyone but perhaps Iluvatar can possibly know what I feel right now. Have you ever had to leave everything familiar and dear to you, to see again only after death? Have you ever felt that horrible feeling that you are betraying your dearest ones because you simply cannot let on? Perhaps it is a Baggins curse, this hiding your pain in your heart. I cannot tell anyone. I have thought about it, practiced what I would say, and when theopportunity came, I couldn't do it.

I thank you for your kind wishes. I know that you cannot be here, but please know what a light your letters have been. I am taking all of them to the West with me. I will go to Iluvatar and try to rest in Him. But my heart has been shattered, and I find that it is a bitter struggle to trust anyone,especially one who I cannot see. But I will try.

Namarie,

Im mil le,

Your Frodo

Letter 14:

Most melannen Iorhael, hannon le for your letter and such a quick response! You honor me with calling me dearest of friends. You have nothing to apologize for. I am not angry with you at all. I know you have been busy with being an uncle, with your Sam and your cousins, and I should have realized you would have others to correspond with as well. It is I who should apologize to you for such a tardy response to you. I had it all ready to go last night and then it got lost so here I am again.

I am glad that you liked the quote I sent you, but I understand that you may feel that nothing may help you make the decision before you. You are probably right that only Iluvatar truly knows the depth of your agony at this moment. He knows as He is grieving along with you. You say it’s difficult for you to trust someone you cannot see. But you can see Him. Look into Sam’s eyes, into Merry’s and Pippin’s and Elanor’s and Rosie’s and remember what it was to look into the eyes of Legolas, Faramir, Galadriel, Aragorn and Elrond. You have seen Him there, all His love and His grief. Look, darling, into the mirror, simply look into the mirror. You are not cursed, you are so very deeply loved.

When such a huge choice looms before you as it does now, that is when you must pray the hardest and trust the most that Iluvatar does indeed plan something wonderful for you, even if you can’t possibly see it and see only darkness and more sacrifices ahead for you and for brothers. I hope I am not wearying you with all these quotes, but I have another and this from our holiest book, spoken by your Creator and mine, to a holy man named Jeremiah: “I know the plans I have in mind for you...plans for peace, not disaster, reserving a future full of hope for you. Then when you call me, and come to plead with me, I will listen to you. When you seek me you shall find me, when you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me...”

You and I are so much alike, so very much. I am counseling you to give your Sam and Merry and Pippin a little warning, but I believe I would probably do the same thing you are doing and for the same reasons - wait until the last minute. I still don’t know if that’s the right decision because no matter when the blow falls, it will hurt fiercely, but I think I would want to wait too, just so at least they could be happy, even if I wasn’t. So I completely understand you wanting to wait. I so wish I could just be with you and if I dare say, hold you.

If you will forgive me, I will leave you with two more quotes, blessings from those people called the Irish. You may not be able to believe them now, but one day I hope you will read them again and find and treasure the truth in them. I hope one day you will be able to look at them and smile. I am honored that you think my letters valuable enough to take with you. Take these words too and hold them in your heart. I truly believe this is how it will be for you in the West after the darkness passes. “May your troubles be less and your blessing be more. And nothing but happiness come through your door.” The second one is: “May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace. May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase.”

Keep tight hold of Iluvatar’s Hand and may He continue to guide you through this darkest of nights and take you out into the radiant dawn. Know that He will be guiding your beloved brothers as well.

Namarie,

Im mil le,

Antane

My last letters to him:

( I did not hear from him directly until he reached the West, but that’s another set of letters all together!)

Melannen Iorhael, time is drawing close for the decision, isn't it? I hope this reaches you in time. I just wanted to give you last best wishes. May the gentle rocking of the ship that bears you rock you to peaceful sleep. We shall all be holding you as well. May the virtue of the land you are to come to bring you peace, joy and healing. Believe that the dawn will come for it shall.

Namarie,

May Iluvatar bless you,

Im mil le,

Ever yours,

Antane

Most melannen Iorhael, I just came across the wonderful prayer that fits you well. It's really a prayer for the dead, but much of it fits you to and where you are going. I hope it helps you to remember how much very much you are loved and the healing we all want for you, including

Iluvatar's own desire that you be whole and joyful once more. That time will come, after much tears and darkness, it will come. Believe it, dearest, believe it with your whole heart and know that your heart will be whole again.

"Give rest to Thy servants with Thy saints where sorrow and Pain are no

more, neither sighing but Life everlasting.

"O God, to whom it is proper to have mercy and spare evermore, lowly we

beech Thee that the souls of your Thy servants whom we remember this day

may not be taken into the hands of our enemy.

"Lord God of forgivness, grant to the souls of Thy servants, a seat of

refreshing and bliss, of rest and of perpetual light.

"Amen."

Namarie,

May Iluvatar ever bless you and hold you and may you know His peace,

Im mil le,

Antane

Dearest Iorhael, I don't know when you are going to be able to read this, but I wanted to send it tonight, the first night of your voyage, because that was the best time to do it. I don't know who wrote this prayer but it fits you so very well.

GOD BE WITH YOU

May His Counsels Sweet uphold you,

And His Loving Arms enfold you,

As you journey on your way.

May His Sheltering Wings protect you,

and His Light Divine direct you,

Turning darkness into day.

May His Potent Peace surround you,

And His Presence linger with you,

As your inner, golden ray.

Namarie, mell nin,

Im mil le,

Antane :)

Text © Antane and Frodo Baggins